"I have a dog that's, that's like a SAUSAGE!!"

The past few days have been very eventful in my classroom. For the last month, the students have been working on science or social studies projects in groups in Spanish. These projects are a pretty big grade for them. It's the end of their trimester, so this grade counts as a final exam in a couple of classes, including English. For me, what they have to do is present their projects in front of the class in English. The presentations started yesterday and will finish tomorrow. The kids were pretty stressed about it, but I assured them that they would do fine (see, I CAN be nice). The project themes are things like noise pollution in Quito (there is a TON), recycling, deforestation, and the like. They're actually really interesting, and the kids know a lot about their topics.

Yesterday, one group's theme was "Sexual Abstinence in Teenagers". I knew the topic was going to be problematic right away - especially because the class asks the group questions when they are done presenting. I was even more wary about it because the kids in the group are the "cool kids" that goof off all the time, and I did NOT think that they had the maturity level to answer the questions that I KNEW were coming. I was actually really impressed with the presentation and even more impressed with the questions that the class asked. Until.

One girl asked, "What do you think is better, abstinence or preservatives?" Preservatives, preservatives. Oh. Mistranslation. I'll tell you now that the Spanish word for condom is "preservativo". I decided to let the mistake go, but knew that if the students kept repeating the word "preservatives" I would have to correct them. Well, first I'll say that I was really impressed (again!) with the students' response ("It's a personal choice, but in this presentation we are supporting abstinence."). Second, I'll say that they kept saying preservatives. So, I said, "That's not the right word."

Oh no. Because I said that, the students didn't think I knew what they meant. Instead of one student politely telling me, I lost control of the classroom in .57 of a second. The students all started yelling, "CONDOMS!!! CONDOMS!!!" And random brands of condoms, while a couple of boys in the group that was presenting looked and me and said, "Teacher... You know..." And proceeded to make inappropriate hand gestures SHOWING me what they meant. I'm sure you can imagine. I'm dying. "This word is more appropriate," and I wrote "contraceptives" on the board. So then, of course the students are all yelling condoms and contraceptives. I'm PRAYING that no one stops in to check on my class...

"OK!! OK!! ANY MORE QUESTIONS?!?!?" Yes. One student asked what the bad things about abstinence were - the presenter DID say that he was going to talk about the good and the bad, but the bad were never brought up. Once again, I was so pleasantly surprised at the response. "Well, if men are talking to each other about sexual activities, they are emmmmmmm perceived as a hero is they have sexual activities. But, if you are a girl..." Then, Nicolas stopped, because he didn't know the right words in English.

So, Emilio jumped in, "Well, if you are a girl with a lot of sexual activities when you are a teenager, you are perceived as... Teacher? Can I say?" Sure... Why not? I lost control a LONG time ago... All of the students proceed to yell, "A BITCH! A BITCH!" Ummm no. "No, kids, that's not the right word..." So Emilio looks at me again and asks, "Teacher, can I say it?" Sure, Emilio, why not. So he looks down, his cheeks get a little rosy, and he says, "A whore."

"WHAT'S A WHORE?!?!?!" GREAT. I was NOT about to explain what a whore was to these 13 year old kids, and Emilio came to my rescue. "Teacher, can I say it in Spanish?" YES. PLEASE say it in Spanish so that I don't have to explain it in English. Again, Emilio looks down, face redder than before, and says "A whore is a... prostituta." So NOW all of the kids are YELLING (I WISH I was exaggerating) the following words: CONTRACEPTIVES!!!!! CONDOMS!!!!!!! WHORE!!!! PROSTITUTA!!!!!! BITCH!!!!!! Oh.My.God. I'm going to get fired.

In an attempt to regain control of 20 pubescent 13-year-olds, I stand up and start clapping and yelling "GOOD JOB!!!! GREAT PRESENTATION!!! NOW A FEW REMINDERS!!! SIT DOWN!!! NEVER REPEAT THESE WORDS AGAIN!!! DOOOOO NOTTTTTT TELL ANYONE WHO TAUGHT YOU THESE WORDS!!!!!!! PLEASE." After 5 minutes, the kids were quiet enough where I could give them a few reminders about the upcoming week. Finally the hour was over.

And of course, who would teach the same class in the same room right after me, but Teacher George. This is the LAST thing I need right now. As George and I walk past each other, all of the students do their usual OOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOO.

Dear God, please keep the students from sharing with George the new words that I have taught them today.

On another note, today I was bonding with one of my students named Andres. We were talking about pets, and he says excitedly, "Teacher! I have a dog!" WOW ANDRES!!!! WHAT KIND OF DOG????? Because obviously I'm DYING to know. "I have a dog that's, that's like a SAUSAGE!!" Wait, what? So Andres is telling me about his sausage dog. I ask him, "Hey, Andres, is your dog brown? (YES!!) Does it have a long tail? (YOU'RE SO SMART!!) Floppy ears? This tall? This long? (YES TEACHER, WOW YOU ARE SO SMART!! [I know]) Andres, you have a wiener dog." His response? "A wiener dog? I like sausage dog better." Ok, Andres, we can call your dog a sausage dog if you want.

Until next time,
Sara the Sex-Ed teacher